Another birthday has come and gone. In the past I have sometimes written a letter to self on that day to kind of sum up where I am, where I am going, who I am at that point in time. I haven't done that lately though. In fact I have not journaled even privately in quite some time on any day. And I have not felt compelled to to add to this blog either (I have felt I 'should' post, but not enough to actually do it.)
Fact is that in the last decade, and more pronounced in the last year and a half, I haven't felt much of a pull forward towards anything in particular. No goals. No big dreams. No momentum. No inspiration. Just sort of plodding along aimlessly. Time is passing without anything to show for it. And the older I get, the more I aware I am of the value of that missing time. I 'should' be doing something about this. And yet I still haven't.
I have a good life really, no real complaints other than mundane-ness. I have a good relationship with my Sweetie, I have let go of many of the baggage I once carried regarding my parents, siblings and younger self, I have a few good friends, I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge and not that many aches and pains. If life is lived on a mental, physical, spiritual and emotional level, I am in a good place on all of them.
So where's the problem? There is one other aspect that should be on that list: financial. And more specifically, career. And on that aspect, I am stuck. My career -- and consequently, my finances -- is in the toilet, not gonna lie. I was laid off (downsized? made redundant? fired? I'm still not sure) a year and a half ago and have struggled ever since to regain my footing. For the first while I was relieved to be out of that job (which was not a great fit for myself or my employer.) I relished the time off to decompress from the stress and breathe again.
I dabbled in a couple of ideas on what to do next and even hired a career counsellor; I was 'pivoting' before pivoting was cool! I went into "frugal mode" to pay the bills and took whatever jobs came my way no matter how little they paid. But here's where things got wonky: I swallowed my pride and contacted my old employer (the one before this last one), things sounded very promising that they had work for me and it was just a matter of signing the paperwork, they would let me know when. So I waited. And I waited. I contacted them again. And waited some more. And then the pandemic hit. And I emailed again. And waited. The 'start date' they had offered came and went and still no response. I finally had to accept that that was not going anywhere and I gave up. And since then, its been slim pick'ns.
Jobs ... or what I call "real jobs" (aka ones that are in my chosen profession that actually pay worth a darn!) are few and far between in this little corner of the world. The conundrum is that anything that suits my unique skills and qualifications is not local. Anything local that I am qualified for pays basically minimum wage. If I want to make a comfortable living in my chosen line of work, I probably have to move -- which I don't want to do. Or change what I do for a living -- which takes time and money -- and I don't even know what that new 'pivot' career would be.
So I'm stuck in a spot and not sure where to go from here. I'm not particularly happy about living hand to mouth but not sure how to fix it either.
I supposed I will have to start finding new ways to look at this 'career crash' riddle on a different level of consciousness. Not at all sure of how to do that right now but at this point, that's probably the best and only way forward. I feel that if I can crack that nut, everything else in life will fall into place.
So to summarize today's musings, as I wander through life in this moment, I feel that I am a little lost. Its an adventure, not a terrible one, really just that one sticky detail that is trying to unravel all the others. Perhaps I need to just be OK with being lost for a while, embrace the uncertainty. The world is moving towards a "new normal" and that includes me and my post-career life.
Peace.
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