Thank Goodness we're all still here!

Its been a crazy couple years hasn't it?  So much has transpired, the new buzz word is "pivot".  Some of the changes are good, some not as much.

Here's some news:

Yeah, that's right! This old spinster is getting married 😁💘

Kind of old news already but the exciting NEW news is that we finally set a date.  I am super thrilled. 

The other news is that I have to write two exams in a week to upgrade my certification and I am really really not thrilled about it.  So more blogging later, more studying now.

New Year, new Me. Or maybe just a tweak.

Another birthday has come and gone.  In the past I have sometimes written a letter to self on that day to kind of sum up where I am, where I am going, who I am at that point in time.  I haven't done that lately though.   In fact I have not journaled even privately in quite some time on any day.  And I have not felt compelled to to add to this blog either (I have felt I 'should' post, but not enough to actually do it.)

Fact is that in the last decade, and more pronounced in the last year and a half, I haven't felt much of a pull forward towards anything in particular.  No goals.  No big dreams.  No momentum.  No inspiration.  Just sort of plodding along aimlessly.  Time is passing without anything to show for it.  And the older I get, the more I aware I am of the value of that missing time. I 'should' be doing something about this.  And yet I still haven't.

I have a good life really, no real complaints other than mundane-ness.  I have a good relationship with my Sweetie, I have let go of many of the baggage I once carried regarding my parents, siblings and younger self, I have a few good friends, I have a roof over my head and food in my fridge and not that many aches and pains.  If life is lived on a mental, physical, spiritual and emotional level, I am in a good place on all of them.

So where's the problem?  There is one other aspect that should be on that list: financial. And more specifically, career.  And on that aspect, I am stuck.  My career -- and consequently, my finances -- is in the toilet, not gonna lie.  I was laid off (downsized? made redundant? fired? I'm still not sure) a year and a half ago and have struggled ever since to regain my footing.  For the first while I was relieved to be out of that job (which was not a great fit for myself or my employer.)  I relished the time off to decompress from the stress and breathe again.  

I dabbled in a couple of ideas on what to do next and even hired a career counsellor; I was 'pivoting' before pivoting was cool!  I went into "frugal mode" to pay the bills and took whatever jobs came my way no matter how little they paid.  But here's where things got wonky: I swallowed my pride and contacted my old employer (the one before this last one), things sounded very promising that they had work for me and it was just a matter of signing the paperwork, they would let me know when.  So I waited.  And I waited.  I contacted them again.  And waited some more.  And then the pandemic hit.  And I emailed again.  And waited.  The 'start date' they had offered came and went and still no response. I finally had to accept that that was not going anywhere and I gave up. And since then, its been slim pick'ns.

Jobs ... or what I call "real jobs" (aka ones that are in my chosen profession that actually pay worth a darn!) are few and far between in this little corner of the world.  The conundrum is that anything that suits my unique skills and qualifications is not local.  Anything local that I am qualified for pays basically minimum wage.  If I want to make a comfortable living in my chosen line of work, I probably have to move -- which I don't want to do.  Or change what I do for a living -- which takes time and money -- and I don't even know what that new 'pivot' career would be.

So I'm stuck in a spot and not sure where to go from here.  I'm not particularly happy about living hand to mouth but not sure how to fix it either.  

I supposed I will have to start finding new ways to look at this 'career crash' riddle on a different level of consciousness.  Not at all sure of how to do that right now but at this point, that's probably the best and only way forward. I feel that if I can crack that nut, everything else in life will fall into place.

So to summarize today's musings, as I wander through life in this moment, I feel that I am a little lost.  Its an adventure, not a terrible one, really just that one sticky detail that is trying to unravel all the others.  Perhaps I need to just be OK with being lost for a while, embrace the uncertainty.  The world is moving towards a "new normal" and that includes me and my post-career life.

Peace.

Gosh, 362 days already?!

It has been a while since I tended to my little corner of the blogosphere, nearly a year in fact. Sigh. 

I shall do better going forward. 

I swear. 

No really, I mean it this time! 🤨

Random picture just for fun:

Decrepit old lady or rock the bike?

New month, new challenge: all 'frivolous' screen time is done on my stationary bike or yoga mat or the bowflex.

The back story:  I wasted an entire day yesterday laying in bed and binge watching the TV series Fringe.  I watched all of season 1 and started on season 2.  I'm not super proud of this but its what I did.  Although I enjoyed the show, it was not worth 16+ hours of my life that I won't get back.  And I'm loathe to admit that Facebook is another big drain on my time for no good reason.  All total, I have squandered quite a bit of time on doing things that are just not that great.



I also saw my chiropractor for the first time in a long while; I have a pesky, recurring SI joint issue that rears its ugly head from time to time; its not serious but it lets me know when its time to go for an adjustment.  Since it has been over a year since I was last there, I was required to re-do the Chiropractor's diagnostic scans.  Side note: I will write more about these scans and what they supposedly do once I have done more research to fully understand them and decide if I truly buy it.  For now, I can say for certain that I go into my appointments a grumpy pants and come out feeling like a million bucks.  So for now, that's good enough!  My Chiropractor said that my scans did not look fantastic which is somewhat reflective of how I have been feeling lately. She listed a few things she suspects I may be experiencing and she pretty much nailed it.  In a word: inflammation.  My body is telling me … loudly now … that I need to pay attention.



As much as I want to be the woman on the left,  I fear that I might actually be the one on the right, stooped over with walking canes and a grumpy attitude.  I have spurts of inspiration and motivation in the physical fitness department (well, in many departments actually) but somehow I never really change.



I got the idea for this challenge from this website that I follow.  She created a treadmill desk … basically just a treadmill under her desk and she walks as she works.  Brilliant!  I adapted the idea to my stationary bike (because I already have that, I do not already have a treadmill) and my nemesis lately is mindless scrolling … although I will look for ways to make this conducive to working as well.  I dunno if this idea is going to stick but today I already did one episode of "Forensic Files" on YouTube … so about 20 minutes.

Cruz the Lesson Horse

The last few posts have been a little on the heavy side.  So here is a gratuitous video of my last riding lesson :-D

Truth be known, there's another reason for uploading this video besides superfluous bragging about my Cruzzy.  Long story short: life lessons.

I've been in riding lessons off and on for the last few years but mostly on my other guy, Cash.  Cash has dished out his fair share of hard knocks, he is big and powerful and sometimes thinks he's the boss.  He bucked me off a couple of times, he's been known to play the "you can't catch me" game and he eats me out of house and home.  But I've had him for 7 years and I know all his tricks so most of the time its just easier to ride him.  He's the devil I know.

Cruz, on the other hand, was a total unknown for the first 3 years I owned him.  On the ground, he has always been easy to handle BUT being that I am a green rider … and being that Cruz had not been ridden much in the year or two before I had him … and given that he was a 7 year old OTTB with all the typical thoroughbred quirks and goofiness … I was afraid to get on him.  In equestrian circles there is a saying:

Green + green = black & blue  

This was a wreck waiting to happen.  Add to the fact that Cruz had a strong aversion to getting in the trailer, this made it difficult to go anywhere and get help to work through these things.  And so he sat in the pasture just munching grass and looking pretty.

Last summer I came to realize that I had to make a decision: either get on and ride him or sell him to someone who would.  To figure out the answer to that question, I had a more experienced rider give him a 'test drive' and wonder of all wonders, he was a total DREAM for her! A.maz.ing.  So I mustered up some courage, rounded him up into the trailer and off we went to start our own journey of lessons and learning.  Eight months later, this is where we're at.  He has not been without his moments, he challenges me (the leg yields and side passing in the video were not what I was asking for, that's his "go-to" move when he's anxious or wants to get out of doing what he's supposed to!) and many-a doubts and fears have had me question the wisdom of swinging my leg over that saddle.  But over time I have come to realize that he's actually pretty honest and if I just trust him, he won't disappoint. (I should add that I have two really excellent coaches who are enthusiastic cheerleaders and super supportive of all their students!  That makes all the difference!)  And a few riding lesson 'a-ha' moments have carried over into other areas of my life.  Its cheaper than therapy!  Ok, that's a lie … its actually pricey as hell … but worth it for the sheer enjoyment I get after a successful ride.

That brings me back to the video upload.  I hope to upload more pictures and videos with some commentary about the life lessons that my horses have given me.  I like to brag about my guys and show them off … but there is a bigger picture purpose to all of this.  Its not all fun and games.  Ok, that's also a (white) lie, its mostly about the fun and games.

The quality of the video is quite poor, the sound is beyond poor (iPhone 6: I'm lookin' at you!)  The man behind the camera is always gracious enough to sit through all my boring activities with nary a complaint so I can't be too hard on him for the crookedness or the finger on the lens.  Next time I'll get him a chair and a tripod :-)

And now for a few more shameless pictures of my critters :-D ...

The Suprising Power of Small Habits and The List of 25

I just did a very interesting, very eye-opening exercise based on this video …




This is James Clear, an expert in habits and behavior, not to mention a super-talented presenter. Starting at about 29:15, he talks about priorities and goes through a story about Warren Buffet and his pilot. Essentially, the exercise he spells out goes like this:

1. Write out your top 25 priorities for the next 25 years … or 5 years or whatever timeframe you want and one could break it down into specific aspects of life (career, family, personal finances, etc.)

2. Circle your top 5.

3. Numbers 6 though 25 are your "never do under any circumstance" list.

I thought this would be a very interesting exercise, I think I may be a classic 'multi-prioritizer' (if that's even a word?) I *definitely* have a tendency to get deep in the weeds, particularly when I want to hide from something (which most people will recognize as procrastination.) I have been described as a "linear thinker" and a "dot on the wall" person ... I think that both of those things mean the same thing: I can only focus on one thing at a time. So too many priorities is not great for someone like me.

So I started brainstorming my list of priorities. I chose the next 5 years as my timeline and I did not distinguish among the different areas of life (physical, mental, spiritual, financial, career), just one big list of everything rattling around in my brain today.

And here it is:

Behold the list!

Wow! That's a lotta stuff! I think there might be more than 25 items there???  No wonder I can't focus!  There are some things on there that are remnants of past aspirations, some things more suited to my younger self and are not so important to my today-self. Some of these are things that I feel like other people might like from me. Some are just downright frivolous. These things can be erased right now. So long suckas!

Voted Off the Island:

Golf, kayaking, guitar, piano (musical endevours in general) … all things that would be 'nice' to be better at. But I have been trying to get better at a lot of things over the past decades and have stalled out a level of mediocrity that I don't seem to have the will to push through. In particular, music was at one time a big part of who I was … but it has not been tugging at my soul strings the way it once was.

Climb Mount Kilimanjaro: this has been on my radar for a number of years and is still something I will do. Its unlikely to happen in the next 5 years so for now it will be transferred to the 'incubate' list.

Calculus. My University nemesis. I fought with it daily for most of my degree (which I ultimately did not finish) and have never totally given up on mastering that skill. In fact, finishing my University degree has popped into my imagination from time to time. A chance to finish what I started. Put it to bed once and for all. To say I may have lost the battle but won the war. *sigh* This one is relegated to the 'that ship has sailed' list.

Learn to paint. Not even sure where this one comes from? I think I saw in a glossy magazine one time, an artist's studio that I fell in love with. The fanciful idea of sitting for a whole day, just me and my canvas, lost in the colour, the form … ah, that's the life for me. Except its not.

Amateur astronomy: I bought a telescope at an auction sale about a year ago. Don't know how to use it but it would sure be neat to look a the moon and the stars from my little ol' corner of this planet. I'm going to keep the telescope (because it is hours of fun … frugal fun) but I won't be taking out any books from the library or joining any clubs or anything.

Grow my hair long again. Believe it or not, this takes effort. I've known for a long time that I always feel better when I have a good haircut, its kind of a personal rule. I loved my long hair back in the day. I also liked the ease of short hair. But once in a while I get the inkling to go back to having long locks. The problem is to get back to long hair, I need to endure the intolerable 'in-between' phase where it looks and feels crappy all.the.time! Not worth it. I have an appointment for next week to go short again.

Feeling a little bit liberated having released myself from some of these. I feel lighter already! Free-er.

The Next Round of Cuts:

Learn to weld. I have a vision of myself creating giant metal sculptures from bits and bobs and horseshoes and such. I just love that genre art! And it would use up some of the scrap metal that's laying around this place. But alas, begrudgingly, I have to whittle down the list so this must move to 'incubate' status.

Fluent in a second language: I feel pretty strongly that Canadians should make an effort to learn our other official language and make an effort to learn at least a few words of an indigenous language. As well, I was quite proud of my Arabic studies when I lived in Dubai but since I have not kept it up, I am sad to say I have lost most of it. My Arabic dictionary will remain in a bin in the closet … along with my "French for Dummies" and that book of Spanish verb conjugations.

Scuba diving and cross-country skiing: Two activities that I thoroughly enjoy. However, being in a land-locked province where snow exists for a scant few months of the year, its not practical to try and pursue these with any great zeal. Vacation and recreation ideas?  Yes.  Willing to dedicate time, energy and dollars?  No.

Build my heart home and build an indoor riding arena. These ones really pain me to erase, I REALLY want both of these. But the reality is that I can't afford either of them at the moment and in order to get into a position where I can afford them … well, there's a few other things that need to happen first. So more on that later. Besides, there are already 3 other riding arenas within a 5 minute drive of my home and another 3 within 15 minutes. This area is NOT underserved for winter riding options! And I already have an outdoor arena that I don't use as much as I should.  So there.

Here's a gratuitous picture of my (latest) heart house:

(Love love love this house! There is a REALLY cool 3D tour of the whole property on the Matterport website … somewhere … but I can't find it now. When I do, I'll post the link. But I digress. Back to the list …)

Be a good volleyball player. This one is like letting go of a little piece of me. My circle of friends for most of my adult life has revolved around volleyball. At one time I wasn't half bad as a player. Many good times. But times change. The volleyball scene in this town is different and I have come to admit that I don't enjoy it much here. My skill level has dropped, this frustrates me. For the last few seasons I have played on two teams, I enjoy the people and the comradery. But dedicating 2 week-nights to an activity that is only marginally fun, I need to rethink that.

This round of cuts required a deep breath, required some letting go. Letting go of some things that, frankly, I don't want to let go of. I am trusting the process and wielding the eraser … but this is not fun anymore.

Choosing A Few Items to Stay:

Just to change it up, I selected a couple of items that are definite keepers. Things that I know are top-5.

Financial Independence on my own terms: I've blogged about this lately and this as a priority is starting to take shape. I am quickly seeing that I am NOT where I thought I was and I need to make some changes (read: frugality!) if I am going to arrive at the 5-year mark and actually be where I want to be. (The "on my own terms" part needs a bit more thoughtful reflection in order to articulate it; the subject of a future post.)  The heart house and the riding arena are the carrots at the end of this stick. A very long stick.

This F.I. goal brings a couple of other list items under its umbrella, most noteably, "Be an expert at my job." I like my job.  It pays fairly well.  Upper management genuinely cares about their people (they emphatically insist that one take their holiday time (all of it!) as time off to rest and rejuvenate.) All that being said, I need to have a 'Plan B', a safety net. And having a job is the lynch pin to achieving 'Plan A' (the F.I. plan.) As such, "Be an expert at my job" is a sub-goal. Writing a book/blog, building my 'Ag-biz', learning to cook, these are also sub-goals -- non-job ways to balance the F.I. equation in my favour. Am I violating Warren Buffet's rule #3? … ummm, probably.

Health, fitness, strength, vitality. Fight ageing. I saw this video several years ago and it inspired me …

I want to be her. Well, maybe not a body-builder per-say … and not too sure about waking up at 2:30am every day … but I like what she is doing for herself. (Come to think of it, my very own Grandma was pretty inspirational into her late-80's!) I want to be in my 70's (or beyond), happy and free, nothing in the world troubling me. In my mind, this is "future-me" … except that "today-me" has not done much of anything to get me on a path to realizing this! A 6-week "cross-fit for dummies" class and a bit of yoga, both things I enjoyed, neither one has converted into a full-time habit. And with that big round birthday that just whizzed past me, this ageing thing is starting to be a real thing.

(Confession: Several things that I scratched off this 'priorities' list … they are not really gone from the list! They're just taking on a different dimension. Triathlons, cross-country skiing, good cooking … these are now "sub-goals" to the larger "fitness and health" goal. Another shameless violation of Buffet's Rule #3.)

Having a good relationship with DM is definitely Top-5.  Nuff said. I sometimes have to remind myself to make him a priority, be a better listener, give more than I take, give him credit when its due, give him a hug when he looks like he needs it.  I think we are both happy with the way things are right now; I would sure like for that to continue so I need to do my part.

Stripping Away the Layers:

Developing a mindfulness practice has been on my mind for a very long time, at least two decades. I have tried to get on this bus many times but it has never ended up anywhere … or rather, it always seems to end up where it started.  My idea of mindfulness as a goal is a bit ill-defined; it encompasses a lot of other list items. If I can improve on and possibly master the skill of mindfulness, SO MANY other things in life will fall into place! Being a good friend, being well-informed and thoughtful, making my home a sanctuary, being tidy and organized … these are all bad habits (and there are more where these came from!) that can be addressed one by one as part of the practice … so not a violation of Rule #3 I say.

I feel pretty strongly about volunteerism. I get a good deal of satisfaction from it. Adventure travel has brought me great life-points in the past. However, as the list winds down, I have to make tough choices. I guess that's the point of the exercise. (The 'incubate' list is getting to be very long!)

So What's Left?

To round out the top-5, "Be a good horse trainer and rider." Wha…? Keep the horses?!  This seems a little odd dontcha think? But its not. Let me explain: this winter I invested in riding lessons and boarding my Cruzy so I could continue to build on the progress I made last summer. Expensive, yes. What I came to realize is this: there are many life lessons to be learned from my horses. Many moments of self-awareness and self-reflection came from atop a semi-synthetic saddle mounted 16.2 hands above the dirt. And the real possibility of eating said dirt, well, I learned a thing or two about life and fear and myself. Horses don't lie. They hold up a big mirror (figuratively, of course, they don't have opposable thumbs) and show you EXACTLY what you are doing and who you are. I have started on this journey of learning with both my big beautiful geldings and I see so many life-lessons still to come. They're too expensive to be an idle hobby so they need to be a priority or they need to go. And honestly, I am not ready for them to go.  You WILL be seeing more of them in future posts.

The Final Cut:

Here it is. The list of priorities in for the next 5 years. In order of importance …

In theory this is all I need to think about for the next 60 months.  Five simple goals.  Five years.  They say that people over estimate what they can accomplish in a day and underestimate what they can achieve in a year. We shall see how true that is come year 2024!

Peace.

The Piles of Indecision

Clutter is just a collection of decisions not made

I don't actually remember when or where I came across that quote but when I read it, it resonated. At the time my kitchen table was unrecognizable as a kitchen table. It was a mounded heap of indecision that was spilling over onto the chairs! A disaster zone. The good news is that I was embarrassed by it every weekend when my Sweetie came to visit, so embarrassed that one Thursday evening before he got here, I bit the bullet and in about an hour that sucka was gone. We can now eat meals at the table like normal people.

The bad news is that … the pile just basically migrated to a new location in the house. A few token pieces of paper made their way into the recycle bin and the shredder, just enough to make myself feel good about having done something. The remainder amalgamated itself with another heaping pile of indecision in the next room to make one super-sized pile of crap. This is now my office …

If my kitchen table was a disaster, my office is now a full-on zombie apocalypse. The consequence of years of indecision, unopened mail, filing that I never seemed to have time for and a decade's worth of collecting receipts (just in case; there was that ONE TIME when I was glad I saved it you know!) Yeah, not proud of it. Yet there it is.

(True story: While sorting though a handful of random unfiled papers, I re-discovered an RRSP account that I had totally forgotten about. It was opened when my previous employer started an RRSP matching program and I happily jumped on board to collect the 'free' money. When I left that job, I promptly forgot about it. Yup, forgot about my money. Like really! Who does that?!)

And there are others! The piles are not just financial in nature! Photo albums. Boxes of photos (that will one day be in albums.) A guitar (learning to play guitar is on my life 'to do' list.) A box of tea-lights from Ikea from circa 1997 (not exaggerating!) I like books, several bins of those around including one full of old University text books (one day I will crack open that calculus text and wrestle that beast to the ground.) Birthday cards. Christmas cards. Wedding invitations. Baby announcements. Scuba gear. Skis (cross-country and down-hill.) A lovely wine rack that I bought at an auction sale (but has yet to see an actual bottle of wine.)  And a laundry basket of items destined for the thrift store donation bin.

The piles also congregate in the kitchen in the form of dirty dishes, leftovers, a collection of mis-matched coffee mugs, a juicer on loan from my Mom and a caselot of chick peas (they were on sale so its OK!)

And the digital piles (e-clutter … its a thing!) More photos (but now they're digital.) Memes. USB sticks. High-8 video cassettes. CD's. Outdated software. Apps on my phone that I can't seem to uninstall. Partially edited videos and blog posts. Not sure where to save something? Save it to the desktop and move it to a folder later.

Then, there's the garage. Or should I say the black hole where power tools and garden implements go and are never seen or heard from again … especially when ya need them!

And honourable mention goes to the stuff that comes from other people in the form of gifts, collectibles and (mostly) well-intentioned memorabilia. Things that can't easily be tossed, sold or regifted without hurting someone's feelings.

(True story: When I moved to my acreage, a number of things came with the place; some were useful, some not as much. There was a porta-potty that I really had no intention of ever using and as such, I sold it an auction sale for $60 … much to the dismay and disappointment of the former owner of said porta-potty. The decision to ship the shitter was a no-brainer for me, it was just an awkward conversation having to explain myself.)

Why do I tell you about this embarrassing side of myself? It is a cautionary tale. A real life example of how compounding can work for you but it can also work against you; in the same way that consumer debt is like borrowing money from your future self, delayed decision-making steals time and mental energy from your future self. And future time is more valuable than today-time.

And what does this all have to do with my recent insight into frugality as a means to F.I.R.E?

It seems that Frugality and simplicity go hand in hand. Frugality is mindfulness of how one manages their money. Simplicity is mindfulness of how one manages their physical and mental space. They complement one another when they are in balance.  But when one or the other gets out of whack, the resulting discord manifests itself as wasted time, wasted energy, inefficiency, missing money and as actual, physical piles of crap around the house. The clutter of decisions not made disrupts simplicity.  And in that environment, frugality cannot thrive!

So the piles if indecision must go. As my ex-boyfriend used to say, "If they don't pay rent, let'em fly."  (mind you, when he said that he was usually referring to his farts.  True story.)